


standing guard over what didn't happen

by kitahart



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Found Family, Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-23
Updated: 2017-06-23
Packaged: 2018-11-18 04:10:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11283474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kitahart/pseuds/kitahart
Summary: “You’ve given up a lot in the past three rounds, and we’dhateto see you lose your motivation!” Edward continues. “In this game, you’ll get to recover one sacrifice you lost here in Wonderland!”“Butonlyone!” Lydia gestures again and the room lights up, colored bulbs around the walls shifting back and forth, turning everything into a dizzying blur of light. The walls are mirrored, Taako notes, probably so that, no matter where you stand, you have to look at your companions as you’re selling them out.Or: Merle accidentally chooses the Recovery Game. Magnus plays cards. Taako confronts an ethical dilemma.





	standing guard over what didn't happen

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by [some speculation](http://punkwixes.tumblr.com/post/156500812748/so-those-three-bonus-rounds-in-the-latest) i wrote right after that ep came out about what the recovery game could've been, in an au where the bonus round happened after the sacrifices.
> 
> title from [this poem](https://www.poets.org/poetsorg/poem/america-talks-me-mother) by catie rosemurgy, written for the prompt "hostile environment" on h/c bingo.

Taako decides after the fact that the whole fucked-up situation is Merle’s fault. After all, he’s – okay, _definitely not_ smart enough to stop being annoying, probably wouldn't have kept his mouth shut if he’d been thinking about anything other than the amount of spell slots he was gonna be burning in the next day. Still, he feels good telling himself that at _least_ he wouldn't be the guy who immediately blurted out “What’s ‘recovery’ do?” when the Vogue Elves brought up the bonus round.

“You _fucking asshole,”_ he says through gritted teeth, and, yep, more black smoke curls into the air, and, _yep,_ he couldn't care any less.

“How was I supposed to know that they would count that as our answer?” Merle blusters. Taako couldn't be feeling any less charitable towards him than he does right now.

“Because that’s the name of the game, homie! Do you honestly think that they’re gonna let us have a single thing we want in here?” Then again, there's the very real possibility that Merle grew up just… accepting everything people offered him at face value. Probably still does, which is weird. “Couldn't you have at least asked if the healing game that was literally _two feet in front of you_ could help your mortally wounded –”

He cuts off, not because he doesn't know the right word to end that sentence with _(friend? teammate? co-worker you’re trapped with?)_ but because Magnus unexpectedly lays a heavy hand on his shoulder, and he has to take a moment to remember how to breathe again. He’s trying not to think about it, but he’s pretty sure that things are _real_ fucked-up right now, body-wise.

“We shouldn’t argue!” Magnus says, and if it wasn't for the sharp pain lancing through his side at this very moment, Taako would deck him right here and now. “Merle, Taako probably could have used some healing, so he does have a point there. Taako –”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m sure that I was being a real dick to Merle or whatever, but can we get to the important part of this situation, which is the fact that if you so much as touch me again, my remaining fourteen hit points are going to physically drain from my body and I will die. Here! In front of you!” His voice is shaking a little due to the pain, embarrassingly enough, and he’s more shrill than he’d like, but it gets the point across just fine, because Magnus removes his hand from his shoulder without hesitation.

“You won't die,” Merle says. “You’re fine, ya big baby.”

“Yeah, I guess that with your track record, healing could only do more harm than good at this point, old man.” Smiling – like everything else – hurts, and he knows from the fresh tang of blood that he’s split open the cut on his lip again. Laughing like Magnus is would probably be _hell_ on his ribs, but it feels good to just be joking around with everyone again. Feels normal.

Of course, the liches have to show up and ruin everything, like always.

“Now,” Edward says, materializing out of thin air, “In this round, you’ll get to regain something you’ve lost.” He pauses dramatically, and _honestly_ , why did Taako even like this guy in the first place? Ugh.

“Is it hit points? Because your boy over here is just about on death’s door.” Hey, he doesn't have much left, but being annoying is still his strength.

“No, unfortunately, that bonus would have been awarded in one of the _other_ games,” Lydia says, twirling her parasol on her shoulder. Fuck her, he has an umbrella too, and his is better. “This one will be a little… different.”

She gestures with her free hand and the platform underneath them begins to rise, the room going dark momentarily as they emerge into a new setting. (Or an old one. Taako has capital-T Theories.) Magnus is looking around in bewilderment. The True Sight he’d cast earlier must really be doing a number on the guy. 

“You’ve given up a lot in the past three rounds, and we’d _hate_ to see you lose your motivation!” Edward continues. The tag-team twin thing they're doing is… unsettling. “In this game, you’ll get to recover one sacrifice you lost here in Wonderland!”

“But _only_ one!” Lydia gestures again and the room lights up, colored bulbs around the walls shifting back and forth, turning everything into a dizzying blur of light. The walls are mirrored, Taako notes, probably so that, no matter where you stand, you have to look at your companions as you’re selling them out. It’s meant to be cheery, but, like everything else in Wonderland, comes across as unerringly hostile. 

Still: _Hell yes._ Taako is so ready to push that sweet, sweet button and get his real face back, not be burning fifty spell slots a day, that kinda shit. Finally, things are turning around in their – _his_ – favor.

Up front, there's three podiums, each equipped with a screen similar to the one he’d used to forsake the other groups. This time, there's no pixelated graphics to represent each player, just a name and a collection of symbols, presumably meant to match the ones on the Wheel Of Suffering, or whatever bullshit name the Vogue Elves wanted to give it. Under his name, there's the skull, the body, the hand, and (Taako’s throat closes up, just a little) the clock.

Out of anyone, he still has the shortest list of sacrifices.

(That should make him happy, right? He gets away nearly scot-free and some other poor schmuck has to pay for him. That's the way he always plays it, so why isn't…)

“So, does Cam get one of these things too, or…?” Magnus asks, interrupting Taako's internal monologue.

“Yeah! ‘Cause it would be real fuckin’ cool if we could, like, recover his body or whatever, be neat if he did something other than whine about how much his life sucks!”

There's a muffled protest from Magnus’s bag, and Edward smiles uncannily. “Oh, no, I’m afraid not. Cam is part of _another_ group, so his sacrifices would belong to their collective pool. And, if his partner chose to leave him here alone, then, well –” He shrugs, a universal _too bad_ gesture.

“How about we give the three of you some time to… decide, then?” Cam’s muffled protests only grow louder, and Lydia purses her lips. “Well, that’s settled! We’ll leave you to it!”

Both Vogue Elves disappear in a flash of light, probably to check on some other dudes who’re getting totally fucked over in this torture chamber right about now. Not that it matters, because they're probably still watching anyways. This shit has to be their _jam._

“So? Is it true?” Magnus asks, and Taako realizes that he’s pulled Cam out of his backpack, holding him at arm’s length. “What they said, are they really gonna let us get back one of our sacrifices, or is this some sort of, you know, an elaborate prank for us to fall into?”

“I don't know!” Cam says, rolling his eyes. If he had arms that he could fold across his chest, he’d probably be doing that one too. Dude’s _pissed._ “I never got to play this one, remember?”

“Yeah, yeah, but just – Look, you’ve been here for a long time, right? You’ve seen how they roll. So, if you have any guesses –”

“Fine! Fine, okay, the other bonus rounds are legit. Fucked-up, but legit, so I see no reason why this one shouldn't be. I mean, that's what they live on, right? That’s the whole reason why they love the whole Trust Or Forsake deal, you know? Because there's suffering on both sides. Even if you win, if you get the best option, you still feel bad, right? So –”

“Thanks, that's all we need to know!” Magnus stuffs the head back in his bag, not even seeming to hear Cam’s squawks of protest.

“Aw, c’mon, Mags, let him be useful for once in his life,” Merle wheedles.

“Yeah, yeah, it’s legit, so now what?” Magnus and Merle both look _so fuckin’ shocked_ that Taako’s still pissed. So what? He’s probably still bleeding out, everything hurts, and on top of that, the amount of mirrors in this room is just pissing him off. There's a funhouse vibe to it, almost: The mirrors aren't warped, but something in his reflection seems off, feels missing, and he touches his face to reassure himself that the spell’s still working. “‘Cause, let me tell you, I have absolutely no problem with throwing either of you under the bus, if it comes to that.”

“Yeah, okay, let’s get to discussing,” Merle says, leaning back against his podium. Trying to be the peacemaker. Trying to be less of a fuck-up. Maybe Magnus appreciates the effort. “They want us to tear ourselves apart, right?”

“Right,” Magnus confirms.

“So let’s… not do that.”

Sure. Whatever. He can leave them to their arguing if they want. Whatever they think is gonna make them feel good.

_Even if you get the best option, you still feel bad,_ Cam had said. Fuck _that._ He didn't feel a single thing, letting Ren and Antonia and Lord Dickhead Himself get thrown to the wolves. Logic said that he should've bonded with them, should've felt some obligation to help them after they’d been nice to him, but _logic_ had never been an outcast in the places where trusting nice people gets you –

Well. Thinking about it makes him feel all numb and staticky, but still: _fuck_ logic.

“We could…” Merle trails off, stroking his beard. “I think that we have to talk about the sacrifices, right? The big ones, the ones that affect us in battle, stuff like that.”

“Weigh it in,” Taako says slowly.

“Yeah! Like that.”

If it’s by weight alone, then Magnus and Merle have that one tied at (Taako counts) five sacrifices apiece. So this is how it’s gonna go, then: they're all gonna make an argument for themselves, fight about it for a bit, and then either of those two will win, probably Magnus, since he gave up – _not thinking about it,_ but he gave up a lot. Maybe Taako could make some sort of argument based on, like – he's pretty great at casting spells, right? They have to appreciate that by now, even if his performance so far today has been marred by having his intestines crushed by a washing machine. So, maybe he could even play up the –

“Taako.”

“Huh?” He’s tuned out of the discussion, although he doubts that he’s missed much with these two around.

“No, I mean, _Taako,”_ Magnus says. “You're the logical choice, right? That's – your beauty, you probably want that back."

“Sorry – _what?”_ This conversation is taking an unexpected turn. “Kinda sounds like you just told me I should get _my_ sacrifice back? After all you’ve given up? I mean, not that I’m complaining,” he adds hastily, just in case Magnus retracts the offer.

(The thing is this: Taako _isn’t a good person_ , despite what Magnus wants to think, and no amount of overwhelming kindness is going to fix him, or make him soft, or – just, whatever the hell Magnus wants in return for this, Taako won’t give it to him.)

“I’ve made my peace with everything I lost, honestly! I don't mind being ten years older, or one pinky finger down, or having bad luck later on, so it’s not like – I don't feel particularly bad, especially since you had such a hard time giving… I mean, it was a difficult decision, and I wish you hadn't been put in that position, and. Yeah.”

“Hey, what about me?” Merle blusters from somewhere below knee height. “No consideration for the dwarf? I _did_ give up my wedding ring, that was incredibly – It was so, so –” He can't even make it through the sentence without laughing.

“What did you give up that was so important, old man?” Something in Taako’s chest twists, but he brushes it off – he’s _so fucking close_ to making this entire situation into a bad dream, just one more close call that he can laugh about later. “Oh, you’re gonna be a real dunce in the next battle? That’s gonna be _soooo hard_ on the rest of us!”

“Oh, fine, you’re both just _so funny_ , but I still think that Magnus is going into this a little fast. What about the other stuff? What about –” Merle’s voice drops, as if he realizes his mistake at the last minute. “What about Governor Kalen?”

“Who?” Magnus’s face is blank, and not just the carefully-practiced neutral expression that Taako’s good at. “Sorry, you just staticked out for a minute there. Unless you’re hiding another Voidfish up your sleeve…?”

He doesn't remember it super good, mostly because he was preoccupied with running his fingers over his new face, tracing the shapes of his now-average (bad) (ugly) features, but Merle seemed like he’d taken Magnus’s last sacrifice to heart. He’d kept talking while they walked to the next area, little comments like _Do you remember what you gave up last round?_ (“Uh, some hit points, bad luck, and… something else, I know I had it! Guys, we’ve given up way too many things in here.”) or _Magnus, can you tell us about Raven’s Roost? Just asking!_ (He’d been evasive as always, but sounded… calmer. More at peace. Who could begrudge him that?)

“Never mind!” Taako says before either of them can press the issue, because he remembers what happened when Merle tried _that:_ Magnus had been confused, then belligerent, seemed distant and spaced-out for a time afterwards. For all they knew, asking him this shit could be causing permanent brain damage. 

Magnus genuinely has no clue what they're talking about, and Taako – he doesn't know the entirety of what went on there. He's got some guesses, but is incredibly partial to the thing they have where everybody keeps their tragic backstories under wraps. Still, Taako almost feels _glad_ for him. Must be nice, to have whoever it is who hurt you out of your mind for good.

“You know, I –” Merle stops, reconsiders. “I think that Taako and I need to have a talk.”

“Yeah! You guys talk all you need to, but if you –” Magnus’s voice drops down to the gentle tone where both of them know he’s genuinely serious. “Merle, if you wanna restore any of your sacrifices – What am I saying? Of course you do, we all do! I just brought up Taako because he’s the most visibly affected by it –” (Absolutely not, Taako is a rock, he doesn't let anything show. Unless Magnus meant that as in _physically_ , his whole face situation, in which case, _ouch.)_ “– but if there's something that's bothering you, I just don't want you to feel like I’m only in Taako’s corner or whatever. I’m just saying that I’m good with – with all of this.”

“Yeah, sure, whatever.” And boy, is Merle being dismissive of a guy who just offered to give up his only chance of restoring all the shit they lost in this place. Granted, Taako would have done the same thing, just with about twenty percent more suspicion.

“Just. You should, you should be happy. You guys deserve it. All of you.” And, _fuck_ , Taako is cold and unfeeling and he does not get sappy or overemotional about dumb human shit like caring about people, but. Magnus is a good guy. They don't deserve him. 

Merle physically drags Taako halfway across the tiny room with a surprising amount of strength, while Magnus settles down with his backpack on the other side, apparently content to just rest. Not like it’s gonna do his hit points any good, and sleeping here – he doesn't know how long they’ve been trapped in this particular hell, but sleeping here has _gotta_ be bad, just – waking up and remembering everything that’s happened, everything that’s still happening. That is, if the elves even let anyone sleep at all.

“Listen,” Merle hisses once they're about as far away from Magnus as they can get, and, right. Sacrifices. That stuff. “I’ve got no idea what you’re planning, I don't care if you think that I just want all that shit I lost back, _whatever_ , but you’ve gotta know that this is wrong.”

“How d’you mean, homie?”

Merle just stares at him. Cold. The eyepatch probably gives it more effect.

“Okay, yeah, right, I getcha. The – the whole memory thing.” Taako sure does play it up, but he's not _dumb._

“Yep.”

Cool, so Merle’s going to make him spell it out. That's always annoying. “You think that it's like, I dunno, unethical, or whatever. Me getting to recover a sacrifice when Magnus has some memories missing.” And, yeah, there's a lot to unravel there, like the fact that Magnus is just fine with his hit points draining away, with giving up ten years of his life. But all of that’s _his_ business, give or take a few selfish concerns Taako has about the fragility of a human lifespan. He didn't even consider the memory thing at all.

“I think that, you know, seeing the expression on his face when he gave those memories up – If you’d been watching, then you know that this decision –”

“Yeah, okay, whatever.” Taako cuts Merle off before his rambling goes on toolong. “I wasn't like, analyzing his facial expressions or anything, but I do have the _concrete fact_ that he we asked us not to try and remind him. I think that sounds like a person who’s ready to move on, don’t you?”

“Well, you wanna know what I think? I think that just because you spend all your time trying to forget whoever it was that fucked you over doesn't mean –”

Screw fucking around. Merle doesn't even get to take a breath before Taako pulls out the Umbra Staff, levels it between his eyes. “Fuckin’ – you – you _do not get_ – to tell me how I feel!” He means to cast something dumb, the same way he casts Sleep on Magnus when the dude is being too annoying. Just something to keep Merle from talking for just fifteen minutes, honestly, but the Umbra Staff remains inert. Even his own wand won’t cast the spells he wants anymore.

Fuck it. _Fuck it._

He lowers the staff.“You know what, old man? Make this about Magnus all you want. Hell, make this about you, about how you’re better than us ‘cause you wouldn't give up the memories of your precious kids, I’m sure they're so important to you! But _don’t_ – don’t you drag my personal bullshit in here. I don't need that!”

“Taako, hey,” Merle says, making placating gestures. He’s suddenly reminded of Phandalin, of Gundrun Rockseeker, of Merle trying to talk the guy down, and, yeah. He did get a little explosive there. That's how he _does._ “It was, that wasn't what I meant at all, I’d just been thinking and, y’know, you’re all –”

“Hey, what’s going on? What's the problem?” There's no reason that Taako should be surprised Magnus heard him shouting, saw him pointing his wand at Merle, but he’s been invested in Magnus-As-A-Concept for the past ten minutes, caught up in his head with this hypothetical question. He forgot that the real dude was about fifteen feet away.

“Right! We could just ask Magnus!”

“Or _not,”_ Merle says, and. Yeah. Memory shit. That's fair.

“Ask me what?” Magnus looks between the two of them, searching.

“Nothing, dude. Ethical debate.”

“Got a little heated,” Merle mutters under his breath.

“Got a lot heated, from the looks of it,” Magnus says. “Wanna come sit with me, figure this shit out?”

“What, so we can move on to the next hellish challenge? I don't think so, dude.”

But he does, allows himself to be shepherded back to the area where Magnus has set up his backpack against the wall, evidently as some stand for Cam, who has once more been brought forth from the depths of Magnus’s inventory.

Apparently they'd been having a conversation, because when Magnus returns, Cam says, “See? I told you, it’s this _place._ Doesn't matter what you wanna do, how you wanna act, you know? You're gonna argue, ‘cause _they_ like it.”

“Shut it,” Magnus says, and stuffs Cam back in his inventory, withdrawing a beat-up pack of cards.

There was a time this summer, back after Refuge, when all three of them had been off-kilter. Jumpiness, nightmares, the whole trauma deal. And, yeah, Taako probably took the worst of it out on them. He still thinks about it sometimes, how _fuckin’ lucky_ he is that none of them straight-up abandoned him whenever shit went down. Both of them just have that… long-suffering personality thing, he guesses. Only reason why they haven't left.

Anyways. If Merle is good at the whole de-escalation thing, then Magnus has some sorta way with the aftermath of that shit, of sitting you down and making you forget why you were upset in the first place, of making you _want_ to talk about what went wrong, word by painful word, without saying or asking for anything.

(Taako hates that more than he hates anything else. Well. He can spare some hate right now for Wonderland and the Vogue Elves, probably.)

The cards are old and dog-eared, probably missing a few numbers, but Magnus deals them all in anyways. Taako’s not even sure what they’re playing. Seems to be some hellish amalgamation of gambling and Go Fish, except that none of them have any real money.

“You sure they'll just let us do this?” Merle asks. “Sit here and…”

“For the time being, anyways. I mean, as long as we’re suffering? So we gotta be sad about it.”

“Yeah, you heard him! Think sad thoughts, old man!” Taako sticks his tongue out at Merle.

“I dunno if that'll work? Anyways, they're getting plenty of that – that black smoke stuff right now. So they're happy. Got any fives?”

Taako hands Magnus his card, chewing on his lower lip. _Go for it._ “Hey, Mags?” he asks carefully. “What if – hypothetically – someone got their memories erased by, like, the Voidfish or something. Not all of their memories! Just one. _A_ memory.”

Merle’s head shoots up, and Taako ignores him. Speaks slowly, working his way through it. “And, what if – Hypothetically, of course! – you could restore their memory, like we do with the magic Voidfish pee, or whatever. Only they might not want that? They, like, maybe asked to not remember it ‘cause it’s too painful, or. Something like that. But it also seemed like they didn't want to forget in the first place? Like, they were coerced. Not really, but sorta?”

“And also,” Merle says pointedly, “if not remembering this thing was a _personal safety concern.”_

Yeah. Probably something said for not blowing up on people ‘till he hears them out.

Magnus is quiet for a moment. “I gave up a memory during my last Wheel Of Sacrifice turn, didn't I?”

“Yeah, bud,” Taako says softly.

“You know, I guess it makes sense. I kept going over it in my head, and just – I knew I lost _something_ , but I didn't know what was missing or what I’d given up, just that I’d done something, and – I’m probably not gonna be able to hang onto this, am I?”

“Dunno. Probably not. We’ll see.” Taako drops his cards, lets them scatter to the floor. He stands up, walking over to the podiums with their names and sacrifices, runs his fingers over the smooth surface. Not deciding. Just checking.

“I don't see why not, what with it not being part of the sacrifice and all…” _Maybe not,_ Taako thinks, but the Vogue Elves are probably the kind of people who love taking and taking and _taking_ ‘till there's nothing left, and what’s worse than losing something you don't even know you’ve lost? What’s bigger than that? 

Merle’s rambling trails off as Magnus takes a deep breath, shoulders heaving. “The memory that I gave up. It was important.”

“Yeah, bud.”

“What – What was it? What did I lose?” Magnus is becoming more frantic now and, yeah, it’s that shit from before _all over again._ They never fuckin’ learn.

“I can't tell you that,” Merle says. Doing his best.

“Was it, was it about Julia? I wouldn't give up anything – I wouldn't do that, right?” He looks from Merle to Taako. “Right?”

_(“Tell him, ‘This is for Julia.’”)_

The thing is this: Taako isn't a good person. He doesn't have to be. All he’s ever had to do is survive, and he's been doing an amazing job of that one so far. But looking at the podium, looking at all the things he’s – _they’ve_ – given up, eyes flitting between the buttons with the mind and the clock on them, it’s –

He can't take Magnus telling him that he deserves this, like he wasn't gonna just claim all of this for himself anyways, the way he always does. He definitely can't take Merle looking at him like he expects the right decision, never mind that Taako doesn't even know what that is.

Clock. Mind. It’s not about _deserving_ things. It never has been. Hell, if it wasn't for these fucking assholes,he would've shoved everything aside and gone for it already. But: Magnus, who lost something he _can't even remember_ , who can't even comprehend the scale of things, telling him that everything’s okay. The expression that had crossed his face when he’d said that, like he was missing something, but didn't know what. 

_Fuck it,_ Taako thinks, and hits Mind.

The effects aren't quite instantaneous – a party buzzer goes off somewhere above them, like the sound effects from the game show, and Magnus and Merle both look up sharply. Taako watches it happen, watches the slow realization cross his face. Then, all at once, he crumples inwards with a sob, hugging his middle as if he’s unable to hold himself together anymore.

Taako knows this feeling. Not really, not personally – he’s never lost anybody before, not in the same way Magnus has. Unbidden, the memory of Refuge springs to mind: his heart dropping into his stomach when he saw the faces he’d tried so hard to forget; feeling like he was going to shatter into tiny pieces seeing it all again. He didn't want it then – any of it – and he doesn't want that now, not for Magnus.

“Oh, how _exciting!”_ a voice behind him says, and. Yeah. It’s those two again.

“A little unexpected, yes, but the three of you have been providing a rather surprising journey so far! I can't _wait_ to see where the next door takes you!”

Taako’s too exhausted to move, too exhausted to even _think,_ but the Umbra Staff starts moving without consent again, dragging his arm up to point straight at Edward and Lydia, its tip glowing bright orange as the spell charges, sending electricity crackling down to his fingertips.

Fine. These two deserve it.

The white-hot bolt of electricity interrupts Edward mid-speech, whizzing harmlessly past him into the space between the liches. Not like it would have done anything if it had hit them, but there's something to be said for a display of power.

“Haven't you–” Oh, that’s fun. The pain in his chest, previously forgotten, returns in full force, making his voice crack embarrassingly, and Taako wonders if this is all the latest cruelty this place has imparted upon them: that they’re permitted to forget their suffering, but only for a moment. On the other hand, that is absolutely the most delirious, pretentious thought that he's ever had. “Haven't you two assholes done enough? Are we _suffering enough_ for you yet, or do you need to squeeze more out of us?” He gestures to Magnus kneeling in the floor, no longer sobbing, but staring straight through his shaking hands. The Umbra Staff, still pointed at them, begins to charge up another blast. “I mean, I know that you guys wanna keep moving and everything, gotta get those quotas in, or whatever it is you do, but I promise that we’ll still be in a fuckton of pain in _ten fuckin’ minutes!”_

The energy building at the tip of the Umbra Staff glows so bright that Taako has to squint against it. The elves don't even make a witty comment, they just straight-up _leave_ , their projected forms disappearing with a small _pop!_

_Neat_. He and his wand have, like, an understanding now. Which is cool, because he’s gonna be casting a lot of Disguise Self over the next few days.

Merle is sitting over by Magnus, kinda awkwardly patting his knee. Taako awkwardly squeezes in next to him. Apparently, doing literally anything is gonna be incredibly painful for the foreseeable future, so he might as well sit.

“Hey, Mags,” he says softly.

Magnus hums in response, scrubbing a hand over his face. _Fuck._

A small, spiteful part of him thinks, _now you know how I feel_ , but that’s directed more at Merle than Magnus, and he tucks it away anyways. Now he knows how _Magnus_ feels, how much his shit sucks.

“You really, uh.” Magnus pauses. “I told you that you could've –”

“Yeah, but Merle insisted. Something about ethics?” Taako waves him off with a flap of his hand. “I just – I don't know if –” Merle is frantically signaling him to stop, but Taako blows him off too. “You gotta tell me that I did the right thing, Mags. ‘Cause I would’ve given those liches fifty memories and never looked back, but. You're… _you,_ and it wasn't okay! So, did I – did I do the right thing? Did I do good?”

Magnus is silent for a long moment. Then, he finally says, “I don't know.”

Taako lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding. “Oh.”

“I don't know what I – I thought that, maybe, If I had to give up something, then this could at least be good for something! I thought that, this sucks, and I wouldn't want to do it, but maybe I’d be a better person. Less angry, less bitter.”

“Yeah, fuck _that_ noise.” Merle shushes him, and Taako sticks out his tongue. He runs on anger, and so does Magnus, and, hey! It’s kept them alive so far. 

“But not remembering Kalen didn't do that. It just made me –” Magnus squeezes his eyes shut, as if trying to block out the memories. “Like, you know how the Voidfish is, when you don't know something? How all direct references to what you're forgetting are staticked out, but everything else is just rearranged? And all those feelings, they're still there, the Voidfish just finds a logical outlet for them?” Taako nods. “Yeah. I just hated myself, kinda. Still thought that it was my fault.”

“Oh,” Taako says. “Okay.”

“And remembering it was like, it was like that day all over again. Realizing…” He trails off for a minute, ragged breaths shaking his shoulders while Taako fidgets quietly. He's good at impulsive decisions, not this part of the equation. “The worst part was thinking, _I gave that up, I sacrificed that fucker to win a game,_ but. Of course I did. Because otherwise we would've had to take extra spins and that would've hurt you two instead, probably.”

“Hey, you don't know that, maybe Merle has one or two extra wedding rings lying around, I’m sure we’d do just fine.”

“Let me finish,” Magnus says, gently flicking Taako on the ear. “I don't know if what you did was the right thing, either for you or for me. But I do know that it was your decision, and I’d have been proud no matter what you chose, but I’m. I’m, uh –”

“Don’t get me wrong, my dude, I’m absolutely down with you showering praise upon me, but you're getting suspiciously close to hugging territory! And I do just sort of want to remind you that I broke every bone in my body like, an hour ago, ‘cause a washing machine fell on me. So!”

“That's not true,” Magnus says, laughing a little, but he reaches up and rests a gentle hand on top of Taako’s head, messing with his hair a little. “This good?”

“Yeah, dude.” Taako tilts his head back, enjoying the momentary peace. “Wait, shit! I almost forgot, I had a question.”

“Uh. I’m, I don't really think I’m ready to talk about, like, Kalen, or Julia, or any of that just yet. Sorry.”

“Oh! No, it wasn't about that, just… Do you still have True Sight?”

“Uh…” Magnus glances around the room, his gaze finally falling on something beyond Merle. “Yeah, I think.”

“Oh, cool! So is it true that when we’re out here suffering, they're just, like, voring the black smoke?”

“For the last goddamn time, that's not what –”

Taako cuts Merle off. “Like, just sucking it up? For power?” Fuck it, if he and his weird, cursed staff just bought them the last moment of peace they'll have in who-knows-how-long, then he deserves to _know._

“Uh. No, I don't. I don't think that's how they're doing things up there at all?”

“Shit. Now I owe Merle fifty bucks.”

“Shut up, you're not gonna pay me and ya know it.” Merle punches him in the shoulder, and his yelp of pain is drowned out by Magnus’s laughter, and. Yeah. Worth it. 

It feels… not normal, exactly. Taako’s been stuck with a perpetual feeling of dread, knowing that things haven't been normal for a while, and likely never will be. But the knot in his stomach begins to unravel, bit by bit. This isn't normal, and things aren't okay, but they're _good,_ and they can make it through this.

It’s not much, but it's something.

Of course, good things don't last forever. The liches return, annoying as ever. (“Have we all had enough time to… _recover?_ ” Lydia asks, and the only thing that stops Taako from blasting her straight into the moon base is his own sense of self-preservation.)

Still, when she reveals the door that will lead them into the next level, Taako stands in front of his friends and pushes forward into the darkness.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm [punkwixes](http://punkwixes.tumblr.com) on tumblr!!


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